By doing my civic and moral duty to: shelter-in-place, wash my hands for twenty seconds, cough or sneeze in a tissue or bent elbow, keeping a social distance of six feet when in public, and above all wearing a mask, I felt obliged to help those I could, to be mindful as well. So, as a novice seamstress, not yet fully acquainted with my brand-new computerized sewing machine, I decided to take on the task of making masks for family and friends – twelve in all, counting myself. I scoured YouTube for the best video I could find. One that would give me simple step-by-step instructions for my yet underdeveloped sewing skills. I was overwhelmed – so many videos and a myriad of patterns for masks. Some incorporated a pocket to place a tissue or N95 filter, while others only called for a handkerchief and a couple of rubber bands. However, with tenacious research, I found the perfect video for me The 15 Minute Mask – YouTube (with demo by: Ready Set Sew www.readysetsewtn.com). Eureka! Not only would I be able, using a minimal amount of skill, to create twelve masks in no time at all, they would look professional and meet the standards for a non-medical mask for everyday folk.
With glee and my mission in tow, I set out to obtain fabric in an array of patterns pleasing to children, women, and men along with some solid colors thrown in for good measure. I purchased all of the notions, cutting instruments, and a variety of measuring tools to complete my mask-making objective – to perfection – in no time flat!
However, I had not considered the obstacles that I would encounter. For example, threading my new sewing machine, sewing seams in a straight line, how to quickly and properly rip a seam out (I had to do this one quite often), make pleats, match pattern direction, and find out where five-eighths of an inch is on a ruler. Now, I know where one inch is, a half inch, and even a quarter of an inch are, but five-eighths of an inch – where was that on the ruler? Five-eighths! Back to YouTube. FYI – five-eighths is the first mark after the half inch mark when using a ruler that is divided into eighths.
I remained steadfast to complete my goal to turn out twelve beautifully sewn facial masks – just as good and professional looking as the one in the video. Well, it took me forty-eight hours to make one fifteen-minute mask. After viewing the video over fifty times I’m sure, after becoming more and more familiar with the process, and internalizing it, I was able to produce one mask in about forty-five minutes – which was an improvement from two days. I became quicker, but I still made mistakes that could have been avoided, if only I had not tried to rush it. My Type A personality – a little tainted – not that hardcore – wanted the perfect video mask. Eventually, I completed all twelve masks. Sometimes making two or more in a day, time permitting. The recipients of their custom-made mask were pleased and even expressed strangers’ inquiries of “Where did you get your mask?”
My mask-making experience not only taught me quite a bit about sewing, but it gave me the opportunity to muse on how someone could fall into the trap of looking for perfection in a relationship. I learned that the fabric had no problem with me seeking perfection from it in order to attain the perfect mask. I would cut on the grain of the fabric – so it would move without resistance, manipulate it in order for patterns and seams to line up, pinch it, tuck it, and fold it until everything fell into place – at my bidding. Whatever it took, with all of the appropriate tools at my disposal – the fabric yielded to my desire. The more masks I made, the better and quicker I became. The material had done what I wanted it to do.
Not so with people. Not so in relationships. People are not fabric, and neither are they perfect. To attempt to push, pull, press, pock or pin someone else in order to manipulate them towards what one might think their estimation of perfection is in a relationship, ignores the personhood of the other. It can easily be forgotten that, when one tries to perfect another, the one seeking to perfect is also imperfect.
I had to accept some characteristics about the fabrics I was working with. Although all were one hundred percent cotton, each piece was different. Some came in forty-width, while others were in sixty-width. Still some were solid colors, while many were in a variety of patterns (random and specific). Even still, some were denim, batiste, and charmeuse.
Maybe the Prince Charming you are looking for will only meet eight qualifications on your twelve must have standards list. Will eight be enough? Possibly, the number ten you are looking for is closer to a nine. Will you push her to become your perfect ten? Or maybe, the man or woman you married no longer resembles the person you said, “I do” to many years ago. Now, the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener to you. However, it still needs to be mowed. Just saying. That son or daughter that you thought you primed so well to become a doctor or lawyer, chose instead to become a teacher in an underprivileged urban community. Expecting those in relationships to bend to one’s will for perfection makes it difficult to cherish and love them for who they are.
People, like fabric, have their limitations. A silk coat, no matter how desirable or how well it is made, will not keep you warm like a wool coat in the dead of winter. Seeking perfection in others runs the risk of missing the unique qualities that they do possess. The perfection seeker can become so busy manipulating that, they miss the fact that their prodding can lead to ripped seams and crooked stitches which, when dealing with people, will lead to broken relationships and conflictual communication.
By accepting those we love, we allow ourselves the opportunity to have the Master Tailor, Christ Himself, to be seen in us. He meets us where we are, in the process of being human on the way to becoming more like Him. As Christ’s likeness is internalized, as if becoming second nature, it is possible to become more accepting of others and even more accepting of oneself – imperfections and all.
Until next time,
Be blessed and stay safe
Dr. V's Relationship Tips 