Author: drvrelationshiptips

For Those Who Find It Hard to Accept Gratitude

While purchasing a Birthday card in October for one of my daughters, I was distracted by all of the Halloween paraphernalia along with a sprinkling of Christmas cards. I began to think, “What happened to Thanksgiving?” Did it get lost in the shuffle of Halloween costumes and glittery Christmas decorations? Did I sleep through it, especially now, since naps have become very important to me (they say this happens with age)? I came to my senses and realized that I was not caught up in a time warp or black hole – bypassing Thanksgiving altogether – even during this time of COVID-19 holiday concerns. No, I realized that Christmas and possibly Halloween could increase the retail bottom-line more than Thanksgiving. I thought about the importance of giving thanks. My thoughts did not stop there, wondering why some of us find it easier to give to others but challenging to accept the gratitude of others? There can be many reasons why – here are just a few.

“I don’t deserve it,” could be what you are thinking. You may feel that you are not good enough to receive the thanks of others, and therefore you do not feel deserving of anything good that comes your way. You may have experienced cruel put-downs in your life, so much so that your self-esteem has been shattered. It can be hard to accept acknowledgment of thanks for the kindness you show. The gratitude of others is a gift confirming how special you are. By putting to rest those old (or present) negative messages that echo untruths about how underserving you are, you may be able to find a way out of the time warp to find joy not only in the giving but in the receiving as well.

Feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable accepting thanks from others could be an issue of trust. You have no problem thanking others, but you question their intentions for thanking or giving to you. Maybe you have come to learn that helping others come with strings attached, causing you to be cautious as to what their “Thank you” really means. Will you be taken advantage of? Is there a hidden agenda? Just the thought of these possibilities causes you to question whether or not to give at all. You guardedly accept the appreciation given to protect your feelings from any surprises, creating a one-way street to your giving. You risk being blocked in from those who wish to share their gratefulness and joy for your act of kindness, wanting nothing in return. To get around this, you could try not to see others as out to get you.

Perhaps you are shy and do not know what to say when receiving thanks. You get tongue-tied and stumble over your words, which becomes embarrassing for you. If you are more introverted than extroverted, receiving thanks may be more difficult for you. All you want to do is find the closest exit and escape the scene as fast as you can. However, all you may need to do is learn a few gracious phrases that could help you feel more comfortable accepting thanks – for example, My pleasure.; You’re a kind person, it was easy.; or simply You’re welcome. You could try coupling these examples by maintaining eye contact or accentuating your thanks with a smile, adding a non-verbal layer to your acceptance of gratitude.

“It’s no big deal,” may be what you say to those who express their thankfulness towards you – brushing it off as if your giving was insignificant. If this is the case, then why give in the first place? Maybe you are trying to avoid someone going overboard in thanking you – making something out of nothing. You depreciate your giving, and in turn, leave the receiver of your gift in the position to convince you that they genuinely appreciate what you have done for them. You could ask yourself if giving has become routine for you, finding yourself always being on the giving end, rarely, if ever,  experiencing what it is like to receive. Could it be that the role you’ve played was being the one who everyone else depended on? It was you who kept (or was expected to keep) everything from falling apart. Receiving from others may make you appear weak since you have had to maintain an in controlled posture for so long – being “the strong one.” When someone shows gratitude for what you have done for them, you are caught off guard or surprised. By relinquishing yourself to receive thanks, you permit yourself to be a part of the joy in the giving and receiving encounter.

As you remember what you can thank God and others for this Thanksgiving, do not forget that He finds pleasure in receiving our thanks. It’s a two-way street with Him. He gave, and we can show our appreciation by humbly receiving His gift of love and salvation through Christ – a big deal.

“For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving.” 1 Timothy 4:4. New International Version (NIV)

“Gracious acceptance is an art – an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving…Accepting another person’s gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.” Alexander McCall Smith, Love Over Scotland. cited by Bottoms, Heather. 15 of the Best Quotes About Giving and Receiving. December 6, 2018. bookriot.c0m. retrieved November 25, 2020.

Happy Thanksreceiving and Happy Thanksgiving too.  

 

10 Steps to Closing the Gap

This summer, I purchased a beautiful blooming potted hibiscus. Just for the record, I had no experience caring for such a plant. So, after choosing the largest one, I said a quick prayer, “God, please don’t let me kill this plant,” as I meticulously wiped down my shopping cart with the store supplied spray sanitizer. Behind me was a woman who admired my hibiscus, noting how beautiful it was. I immediately responded, “Well, I hope I don’t kill it.” To this, she replied, “Don’t water it like you would a regular plant. That would be too much water at one time.” Don’t water a plant? Don’t all plants need water? I suspect she saw the confusion written all over my face. She then added, “Use ice cubes instead.” This helpful stranger had my attention. She explained that, “The ice cubes would allow the plant to absorb the water it needed gradually, from the melting cubes.” My unexpected helper spoke with expertise, especially since she added, “This is how I water mine.” Oh, happy day, I thought and thanked her for the advice. The timing was perfect, right after my quick prayer. My plant now stood a chance for survival. I would have given this gorgeous specimen the full sunlight recommended on the attached care tag; however, the label mentioned nothing about watering it with ice cubes!

As I exited my favorite big box store, I felt empowered and confident with my hibiscus purchase. Once home, with ice cubes in tow, I placed this beautiful expression of nature’s flora in its new environment – still potted – in my backyard. I thought that the plant would need some time to become acclimated to its new surroundings. After about two days of making sure my hibiscus was still alive, I found the sunniest spot in my yard that I could – dug a hole, planted my hibiscus, and placed ice cubes all around it. I watched it like a hawk for the next few days – still in the land of the living and blooming! I took extra precaution by placing my once potted lovely safely within the boundaries of a fake wrought iron looking plastic enclosure so that my husband would not accidentally mow it down.

During this “new normal” existence urging us to avoid close physical contact with those outside of our COVID-19 safe “bubble,” such expressions as hugs, a handshake, or a kiss on the cheek by a friend have become No-Nos. Such social distancing can also affect how we feel emotionally, resulting in being emotionally disconnected. How sad, since our first introduction into this world is by touch.

Given this, let’s explore the following 10 Steps to closing the emotional distancing gap from my hibiscus purchase perspective.

1. Attraction – I was drawn to the hibiscus I chose. The abundance of its blossoms and radiant deep pink color attracted me. What attracts your attention? What are you drawn to? To close your emotional distancing gap, maybe you could consider connecting with a worthy cause, something that would pique your interest in a positive direction. For example, you may want to engage with an online social network to address the needs of those less fortunate than yourself, a book club (you could start your own) on ZOOM, or a prayer group to encourage and to be encouraged.
2. Choice – The hibiscus, sitting there basking in the afternoon sun, did not choose me. How could it (it’s a plant)? However, based on being attracted to it, my decision to choose was simultaneously activated. Does it look healthy? How many blooms are on it? It would be better to get a healthy-looking one than one that looked like it was already dying – even before I get my hands on it. Measure the pros and cons. When choosing, you may want to consider how much work it would take on your part. If the cons outweigh the pros, if you do not have the time, energy, or in some cases, the money – walk away.
3. Introspection – I knew that there would be a more than average possibility, given my lack of green thumb skills, that I could cause this wonder of nature to wither and die. Knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are, require an accurate assessment of yourself. Being aware of your red flags can put you in a better position to alert you to any patterns you may not be aware of, which could undermine your endeavors to close the emotional gap. You may have to pray about it.
4. Advice – Although the advice given by the friendly hibiscus expert was not solicited, it was helpful. Her input allowed me to see where self-improvement and knowledge would lead to a better outcome. After your introspection, ask someone you trust or someone you feel comfortable with to share with you those things about you that you may not be aware of in yourself. By allowing yourself to be transparent and open to constructive feedback, you could find a more productive way to engage with others and yourself. Introspection could work out to be a win-win situation.
5. Investment – Aside from the monetary investment of purchasing the hibiscus, ice cubes, and the plastic enclosure, I also had to invest the time to care for it, dig a deep enough hole to place it in, and find the right location for it in my yard. Do not sign up to close the emotional gap if you are unwilling to invest in a positive outcome. I could not leave it up to my blooming beauty to tell me what to do. If you are not willing to invest in closing your emotional distancing gap – do not expect others to invest in you with no reciprocity on your part. You are not a plant.
6. Acclimation – After bringing my newfound venture home, I thought it needed an opportunity to become accustomed to its new surroundings. So, before placing it in the ground, I let it sit outside for a couple of days, on ice, just to get a feel for the lay of the land. Closing the emotional distancing gap would require a getting to know you period, which could allow you and those involved the opportunity to feel comfortable enough to move forward in establishing future involvement. More introspection or a wait and see where this new endeavor could or could not go, may be needed to do this.
7. Accommodation – When accommodating the needs of my new plant, I lost no sense of who I was. I accepted the fact that the hibiscus is a plant and addressed it from that perspective. Deciding to interact with others does not mean that you forfeit your individuality just to belong. The accommodation process allows you to see others as they are and where they are in their sense of self. When closing the emotional gap, know the uniqueness that you bring to the endeavor – without being overbearing or desiring the spotlight all the time. Your light will shine through the positive expression of your individuality – embrace it.
8. Engagement – Learning that my lovely hibiscus would fare better when I used ice cubes allowed me to engage in a way that would cultivate growth in the plant. It may be beneficial to realize that your role could involve reading between the lines without judgment towards the other. The engagement could also initiate a two-way street atmosphere, where sometimes you are the listener and not the speaker, which could avoid it being all about you.
9. Patience – Once I planted my hibiscus into the ground, removing any rocks nestled deep in the soil, pulling up some developed roots from nearby shrubs, and weeding the area, I waited for about two weeks to see if my efforts were in vain. I routinely inspected the plant for any evidence of brown leaves, no blossoms, and new buds. It may or may not take two weeks to know if your efforts to close the emotional gap have been worthwhile. However, given that no one is perfect, it may take a little patience, not rushing the process to see what evolves. If patience is not your thing because you need immediate results, you may want to consider something less involved, which does not require immediate gratification. You may want to explore another focus to close the gap or ask yourself, Why?
10. Tweaking – Some fine-tuning or adjustments may be needed to close the gap. Finding the just-right sunny spot was crucial to allow my plant to thrive. I was aware of areas in my yard that would not give the necessary sunlight needed, so not just any spot would do. In your quest to close the emotional distancing gap, you may have to do a bit of tweaking. Where would you like this adventure to go? What would be most beneficial to all (yourself included) involved? Are there any undue expectations on your part or that of the other(s)? What clarification do you need? The tweaking process could clear up any misunderstandings, pointing you in the right direction to foster growth with a positive trajectory.

I hope that these ten steps will help you close your emotional distancing gap while maintaining appropriate physical, social distancing.

By the way, I am pleased to report that my hibiscus is still alive, having survived me and the lawnmower.

God bless and be safe.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Ecclesiastes 4:9-10. New International Version (NIV)

10 Steps to Closing the Gap

Six Steps to Enhancing Your Marriage

Have you ever experienced the mouthwatering sensation of eating a delicious cut of meat that has been marinated and cooked to perfection? It melts in your mouth. The precise blend of various herbs and spices combine to compose a fine-tuned symphony for the palate. In a moment, your taste buds are ignited and transported on a journey of edible ecstasy. Your whole body responds as you float away, deliberately savoring each scrumptious morsel. Yum.

To effectively take such a delectable voyage, careful preparation is necessary. For those of you who marinate meat, poultry, fish, or vegetables, you take specific steps to ensure a flavorful outcome. You know that, even if the meat is tough, with the precise amount of time, the tenderizing and flavor-enhancing process of marinating will pay off.  

What can be learned from marriages that have marinated and stood the test of time? What could be some of the steps taken by couples that have been married for several years or more? Let’s take a look at six possible steps that can be part of the process of a marriage that has marinated over time.

The Marriage Marinating Process

1.Planning is vital when it comes to marinating. Deciding what utensils, seasonings, containers, oils, and what you intend to marinate are essential since these decisions will affect the outcome of the finished product. It is unfortunate, but for some marriages, more thought went into the wedding ceremony rather than the marriage. Some couples may even employ a wedding planner to make sure everything runs smoothly. Their wedding plans may turn out just fine, but it is the marriage that could present problems for them. Couples who plan when it comes to their marriage realize that weddings are not marriages. For them, marriage is a serious undertaking and is something that should not be entered into lightly. Some couples that have been married for many years may have initially taken into consideration whether they were ready to jump the broom. They may have taken the time to look at the whole picture, not through rose-colored glasses, but with a clear focus as to what it would take to preserve their union. In their commitment to each other, they may have planned to stay with the process and took the time to know what they would need, individually and collectively to pursue a life together. For example, the couple may have taken into consideration what works and does not work for them. If he spends most of his time with the guys or she spends most of her time at church, then these could become areas that they plan to adjust before getting married. Those who skip the planning phase miss important clues before marriage or may believe their issues will in some way magically disappear after they are married – (“NOT”). The truth is, missed cues only get worse and can threaten the longevity of the marriage.

2.Timing means that you cannot expect the cut of meat to marinate quickly. It takes time since depending on what you are marinating could vary. In some cases, the marinating process could take a few hours and, in some instances, overnight or longer. Couples who rush into marriage may find themselves rushing out of it as well. They may have entered this sacred union with their eyes wide shut, having expectations that resemble a child’s short fairy-tale rather than real life. The couple may have gotten caught up in the moment of the wedding without considering the work of day to day married life. This is not to say that their notion of a happily ever after is not possible; however, they just did not factor in that overtime, it would take work. Couples who have invested in their marriage, reap the benefits of their labor. They are aware that it will take time to know one another in a way that they have not experienced before their marriage. Marital longevity for them means that they allow themselves the time to grow together, even when the process seems as if it is taking too long. Marinating their marriage, unlike those who rush in, takes into account that the work involved would take longer than the five to 10 minutes, it took them to say “I do.” 

3.Refrigeration is necessary because bacteria can grow in what is being marinated if left out at room temperature for an extended amount of time. No one wants to get sick from eating something that looks good but is teeming with germs. Yet, couples who harbor their anger, unforgiveness, or resentment run the risk of breeding unhealthy emotional micro-organisms that will fester in their marital state. Such a married couple may come to church smiling as they greet everyone in Christian love or attend a social gathering, masquerading as the ideal couple. Still, that show of stability and connectedness dissolves behind closed doors. It’s all about appearances for this couple. She may not have resolved her anger towards him for not divulging the whole story about that business trip he took last year. He still resents her for not telling him that the daughter he raised is not his. So, they continue in their heated marital environment – acting as if nothing is wrong. When they argue, it has nothing to do with who left the dirty dishes in the sink. The couple that has overcome the rough spots decided a long time ago that they would not let anger, unresolved issues, unforgiveness, or any other emotional germs to invade and decay their marriage. They have agreed to cool down and take some time out before coming together to work out a way that they can get past it; to move forward – healthy and whole – for the long haul.

4. Tenderizing and flavor enhancement are the two main reasons that go hand in hand when marinating. If the meat is tough, tenderizing will make it melt in your mouth. The seasonings used, poured or rubbed, help to bring out the flavor. Tender loving care can go a long way in depositing affection into a marriage. Knowing when to pick your battles to preserve the relationship leaves room for extending grace towards one another. The lesson learned here is that every molehill does not have to become a mountain. The recipient of such grace takes note of the fact that their spouse could have come back with a verbal punch, but chose not to, not out of weakness, but because it just wasn’t worth it. The tenderness shown opens a window of opportunity for reciprocity. Couples who nit-pick at every opportunity toughen their relationship. This toughening produces an atmosphere of conflict in the relationship, almost like chewing a gristle laden piece of meat. Every bite becomes a challenge. When it comes to marriage, such a problem can cause the couple to drift apart rather than coming together in a tender bond of affection, seasoned with the spices that enhance the flavor of their love.

5. Direct contact of ingredients during the marinating process ensures that the tenderizing and flavor-enhancing additives are measured just right. The meat should not be allowed to rest without being rotated periodically. A marriage becomes jeopardized when more time is given to everything, and sometimes everyone else except for each other. The busyness of everyday life can get in the way of intimate physical and non-physical contact. When intimacy and affection are not part of the ingredients process, the marriage loses its passion, becomes routine, and lacks flavor. Couples in long-term marriages, being committed to marital success, make it a point to spice things up now and again. Intimacy and affection are not choices on a fast-food drive-through menu or just items to check off the To-do list. 

6. Marinade mixing of two different types of meat in the same marinade mixture or container is unhealthy, and by doing so, results in cross-contamination since bacteria from one will contaminate the other. Marriages can be tainted, as well. Examples could be a mother who interferes with the marital dyad or a friend who continually involves him or herself into the couple’s personal affairs. Further mixing could be on the part of a spouse who invites such friends (or family) to interfere. Spending too much time social networking or engaging in an affair can also weaken marital boundaries and ultimately trust. Couples who experience instability in their relationship may have opened their marriage up to compromising contaminants and, in some cases, risk ending the union. 

The journey of marriage can present a myriad of legitimate reasons to end it. Certain circumstances may exist that dissolving the union is the best recourse. Every couple has its own set of variables to consider. Possibly, these marinated marriage steps will help in cultivating a marriage that stands the test of time.

Until next time,

God bless  

Six Points to Controlling Your Anger

Some people can be very predictable when it comes to managing their anger. They are in control of their anger, or their anger is controlling them. It is not hard to know which buttons to push and which buttons to stay away from when it comes to dealing with someone whose anger meter can easily tip to EXPIRED.  

Anger has its place since it is an important emotion to have. When we experience anger, we can become empowered to act on behalf of the rights of ourselves or those of others in a positive way. A constructive display of anger can change matters for the better. So, it is not the anger that gets us in trouble, but rather how we use it. As a result, especially in our fast-paced, need-it-done-yesterday, stressful society, many have manifested their anger in a reactionary, out of control exhibition of behavior. For example, the boss or supervisor gets under your skin, then you come home and kick the dog or possibly exhibit your anger in the form of road rage. Some may even resort to shouting or becoming physically aggressive towards a spouse, child, or anyone else who just happens to get in the way. Maybe the boss or supervisor is not the issue; however, there may be other triggers that set you off, causing your anger meter to run out of time. Such a situation can be brought on by an unpleasant memory or circumstance that was never resolved, which manifests itself in what may otherwise be an innocent encounter. Anxious feelings can escalate, intrusive thoughts may take over, and before you know it, an outward behavior, either verbally or physically, takes over, later leading to regret. 

Knowing your triggers or red flags can be vital in deciding how you will deal with your anger: responsive and productive or reactive and counter-productive. If you do not know how to deal with your anger, get professional help, or take an anger management class as soon as possible.

Here are six tips to keep your anger in a more manageable place. Additionally, use the formula below to determine whether you are exhibiting reactivity or responsiveness in a given situation. 

Six Points to Managing Your Anger 

• Determine the possible root of your anger by asking yourself or an honest friend if your anger is valid. They can help you determine if you are looking for a fight,  seeking revenge, or on the right track. Engaging another could also help you to calm down and think the process through rationally.
• Get more information, which can keep you from flying off the handle, putting you in a position to make a more informed decision. This point can also keep you from approaching the wrong party when addressing a situation.

• Take a time-out or call a truce with the other party to resume the conversation at a later agreed upon time. Doing so will allow you to remove yourself from a heated situation before it escalates, giving you (and the other) the opportunity to cool down and collect your thoughts. Remember, anger affects your mental, physical, and spiritual wellbeing. Seeking balance in these areas can set your internal atmosphere to engage in a more constructive external expression of behavior.

• If possible, plan (or role-play) if you think a particular encounter will result in your becoming angry, having no productive resolution to the problem at hand. Decide ahead of time that you will stay in control to reach the best outcome.

• You may choose to pray, seeking guidance and wisdom as to the best way to approach the situation.

• Take slow deep breaths as a calming measure, which can decrease the anxiety brought on by the anger.

Here is a little formula I came up with to help you keep your anger meter from expiring, by using the letter “a” in the word React and the letter “p” in the word Respond. 

The Anger Meter Reader

REACT = Counter-Productive Trajectory (Reactivity) >> Escalation (Speeds the process up) >> Attitude >> Aggression >> Anger >> Attack = OUT OF CONTROL

VS.

RESPOND = Productive Trajectory (Responsiveness) >> De-escalation (Slows the process down) >> Peace >> Position >> Perspective >> Protection = UNDER CONTROL

Reactivity can produce a negative attitude, which can lead to an aggressive posture, giving rise to anger resulting in an attacking physical behavior or verbal outburst.

Responsiveness can initiate an atmosphere of peace, by backing off and positioning yourself to see the situation from a more productive perspective, which allows for protecting your integrity and safety and that of others.

“…take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.” James 1:19-20 (New International Version – NIV).

Until next time,

God bless

By doing my civic and moral duty to: shelter-in-place, wash my hands for twenty seconds, cough or sneeze in a tissue or bent elbow, keeping a social distance of six feet when in public, and above all wearing a mask, I felt obliged to help those I could, to be mindful as well. So, as a novice seamstress, not yet fully acquainted with my brand-new computerized sewing machine, I decided to take on the task of making masks for family and friends – twelve in all, counting myself. I scoured YouTube for the best video I could find. One that would give me simple step-by-step instructions for my yet underdeveloped sewing skills. I was overwhelmed – so many videos and a myriad of patterns for masks. Some incorporated a pocket to place a tissue or N95 filter, while others only called for a handkerchief and a couple of rubber bands. However, with tenacious research, I found the perfect video for me The 15 Minute Mask – YouTube (with demo by: Ready Set Sew www.readysetsewtn.com).  Eureka! Not only would I be able, using a minimal amount of skill, to create twelve masks in no time at all, they would look professional and meet the standards for a non-medical mask for everyday folk.

With glee and my mission in tow, I set out to obtain fabric in an array of patterns pleasing to children, women, and men along with some solid colors thrown in for good measure. I purchased all of the notions, cutting instruments, and a variety of measuring tools to complete my mask-making objective – to perfection – in no time flat!

However, I had not considered the obstacles that I would encounter. For example, threading my new sewing machine, sewing seams in a straight line, how to quickly and properly rip a seam out (I had to do this one quite often), make pleats, match pattern direction, and find out where five-eighths of an inch is on a ruler. Now, I know where one inch is, a half inch, and even a quarter of an inch are, but five-eighths of an inch – where was that on the ruler? Five-eighths! Back to YouTube. FYI – five-eighths is the first mark after the half inch mark when using a ruler that is divided into eighths. 

I remained steadfast to complete my goal to turn out twelve beautifully sewn facial masks – just as good and professional looking as the one in the video. Well, it took me forty-eight hours to make one fifteen-minute mask. After viewing the video over fifty times I’m sure, after becoming more and more familiar with the process, and internalizing it, I was able to produce one mask in about forty-five minutes – which was an improvement from two days. I became quicker, but I still made mistakes that could have been avoided, if only I had not tried to rush it. My Type A personality – a little tainted – not that hardcore – wanted the perfect video mask. Eventually, I completed all twelve masks. Sometimes making two or more in a day, time permitting. The recipients of their custom-made mask were pleased and even expressed strangers’ inquiries of “Where did you get your mask?”

My mask-making experience not only taught me quite a bit about sewing, but it gave me the opportunity to muse on how someone could fall into the trap of looking for perfection in a relationship. I learned that the fabric had no problem with me seeking perfection from it in order to attain the perfect mask. I would cut on the grain of the fabric – so it would move without resistance, manipulate it in order for patterns and seams to line up, pinch it, tuck it, and fold it until everything fell into place – at my bidding. Whatever it took, with all of the appropriate tools at my disposal – the fabric yielded to my desire.  The more masks I made, the better and quicker I became. The material had done what I wanted it to do.

Not so with people. Not so in relationships. People are not fabric, and neither are they perfect. To attempt to push, pull, press, pock or pin someone else in order to manipulate them towards what one might think their estimation of perfection is in a relationship, ignores the personhood of the other. It can easily be forgotten that, when one tries to perfect another, the one seeking to perfect is also imperfect. 

I had to accept some characteristics about the fabrics I was working with. Although all were one hundred percent cotton, each piece was different. Some came in forty-width, while others were in sixty-width. Still some were solid colors, while many were in a variety of patterns (random and specific). Even still, some were denim, batiste, and charmeuse. 

Maybe the Prince Charming you are looking for will only meet eight qualifications on your twelve must have standards list. Will eight be enough? Possibly, the number ten you are looking for is closer to a nine. Will you push her to become your perfect ten? Or maybe, the man or woman you married no longer resembles the person you said, “I do” to many years ago. Now, the grass on the other side of the fence looks greener to you. However, it still needs to be mowed. Just saying. That son or daughter that you thought you primed so well to become a doctor or lawyer, chose instead to become a teacher in an underprivileged urban community. Expecting those in relationships to bend to one’s will for perfection makes it difficult to cherish and love them for who they are.

People, like fabric, have their limitations. A silk coat, no matter how desirable or how well it is made, will not keep you warm like a wool coat in the dead of winter. Seeking perfection in others runs the risk of missing the unique qualities that they do possess. The perfection seeker can become so busy manipulating that, they miss the fact that their prodding can lead to ripped seams and crooked stitches which, when dealing with people, will lead to broken relationships and conflictual communication. 

By accepting those we love, we allow ourselves the opportunity to have the Master Tailor, Christ Himself, to be seen in us. He meets us where we are, in the process of being human on the way to becoming more like Him. As Christ’s likeness is internalized, as if becoming second nature, it is possible to become more accepting of others and even more accepting of oneself – imperfections and all.

Until next time,

Be blessed and stay safe

Five Steps to Get Unstuck In Your Relationship

Uncertain times and situations can catch us by surprise – off guard – in the hustle, bustle, and busyness of our lives. The normal everyday calisthenics of our otherwise routine lives threaten to become undone. The homeostasis and equilibrium of our lives is thrown off balance — and we or our relationships strive to seek a new normal. How can we find a sense of normality when it seems as if everything is coming apart? The noise of current events, the stress of new challenges or a sense of uncertainty on a daily basis, tend to drown out the peace that is sought. A peace, which may bring a better outlook, even in the midst of all the noise. 

How could such a perspective of peace affect how we engage in relationships? This challenge would require one to look around and see what is already there. One way is to find what is on track, what is not out of balance — not out of whack. This balance could be right there in front of your eyes.  You may notice that, nature has not been hindered from its cycle of rebirth. Maybe during trying times your marriage, family or another significant relationship has been under an atmosphere of uncertainty, stress or hardship of some kind. Possibly it has been difficult for you, coupled with a dose of anxiety, to move forward – to get unstuck — through it all.

For example, take the crocus flower. This tenacious little bud is a member of ninety species of flowers grown from bulbs in the iris family, which bursts forth in a variety of colors, sometimes even multiple colors on the same plant. Unlike its cousin, the crocus sativus, known for its precious spice of saffron, the more common variety of the spring crocus, the crocus vernus, is routinely used as an ornamental bloom (en.wikipedia.org “Crocus vernus,” n.d.). Flowers in the crocus family have come to be known as the hardiest and most resilient spring blooming flower, with longevity year after year, as it faithfully stretches its “cup-shaped petals” upward (howstuffgworks.com. “Crosus,” Burrell, n.d.).  This perennial reveals its beauty as it breaks through the barrier of a blanket of snow or a shield of icy hardened earth, all failing to hinder it. The spring crocus has come to symbolize glee, youthfulness, cheerfulness, mirthfulness, as well as a sign of gladness or gladness to come (treesymbolism.com/crocus-flower-meaning. “Flower Meaning, All Flowers A-D. #11 Crocus Flower: Meaning and Symbolism” n.p.).

Marriages can be like the crocus flower. Couples may experience struggles and barriers, which keeps them from breaking free, by confining them and resisting their desire to move forward in their quest to get unstuck, in order to express the fullness of their joy. It is not easy to rebound from a situation that, may have brought a relationship to the screeching halt of a dormant winter in their relationship. How may a couple begin to progress on the path towards peace and gladness, to be free from the emotional/relational roadblocks that keep them from basking in the rays of their love? Maybe the following five points will help the couple that is stuck, while having in their hearts the desire to move forward – together. It may be that, there is something to be learned from the hardy crocus.

1.Appearances can be deceiving at first glance. Prior to coming into bloom, the crocus looks very much like grass, being camouflaged in its surroundings. For couples that are trying to overcome the challenges of their relationship, remembering why they married or are together in the first place may help in refocusing on what is important. The daily grind of life, wondering how the bills are going to be paid, raising children, caring for an elderly parent or putting the other in second place to everything else (maybe some or all of the above) can contribute to your relationship morphing into something that neither of you ever dreamed of. Taking the time to revisit why your mate is special to you could help in not having him or her get caught up in the camouflage of routine – blending into the background.

2.It takes tenacity to overcome the sometimes cold and icy intervals of a relationship. The crocus must fight through the snow-laden hard winter soil. It is amazing how such a delicate flower presses against the rough surface of a seemingly unyielding environment, in order to reveal its beauty. Some couples can become tired, discouraged or distracted and yield to the obstacles that come their way. Recognizing that building a strong relationship will not always be easy is a good starting point. When a couple determines that what they have is worth fighting for, their perspective becomes clear and are now placed in a position to take a closer look at what they have already overcome together. As a couple, you and your mate can garner the staying power, which will give your marriage a fighting chance, revealing the beauty that was worth the fight.  

3.Faithfulness and dependability create an atmosphere in which marital longevity can be possible. When the crocus blooms year after year, it announces that it has not become stagnant and that hope is ever present – that it is faithful and can be depended upon to spring forth. When a partner does not rest in the security of knowing that their mate will be faithful, positive expectations for the future can fade away. Dependability in a marriage allows the couple the freedom of knowing that they are on this journey together. The fear of whether a partner will leave when times get hard can make it difficult to bond emotionally, which in turn could usher in mistrust. Being there for your spouse in good times and not so good times sends the message that, you cherish and honor him or her because you can be counted on to fulfill the vows you initially made because “We are in this together.”

4.Taking the time to embrace one another can be reassuring by sending the nonverbal message of “We are still connected and covered by the love we have for one another.” The cup-shaped petals of the crocus creates a space that not only shows its beautiful floral structure, but also surrounds the delicate stamens inside. As a couple, you and your mate can be filled like a cup with the confidence of your love as you cherish and embrace which you have so diligently worked for. The love you have for each other, becomes the framework for the delicate balance of determined strength and tenacity, which safeguards the preciousness of your marriage.

5.Not forgetting to celebrate the presence of your mate in your life, lets him or her know how much you appreciate them. Like the crocus, which symbolizes gladness, your relationship can be infused with the hope of what is  – looking past the noise. Although building a strong marriage can take time, the journey will be sweeter when you remember to add excited anticipation. All work and no play can make for a bland marriage. Share with each other those unforgettable moments that brought joy into your lives. Create opportunities for even more cherished memories, which can serve to sustain the relationship, when pressing through any obstructions that threaten to get in the way. 

The victorious coming forth of the spring crocus would not be possible without the soil, the sun, and the rain. Victory in a marriage requires nourishment. Without faithfully seeking the strength of God, stretching towards His only begotten Son — Jesus Christ, and embracing the presence of the Holy Spirit, becoming unstuck can be daunting. Allow the love of God to guide you and your mate as you burst forth in the spring of your union with gladness “…being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6 NIV)

Until next time,

Be blessed and stay safe

According to the astronomical calendar, the first day of spring is scheduled to arrive on March 19, 2020 in the northern hemisphere (www.almanac.com).  Spring can serve as a reminder to us of the possibility of new beginnings, that what winter has caused to drift into a dormant deep sleep, will be awakened to the newness of vibrant life. Flowers begin to bud, awaiting the moment of full bloom; trees stretch their branches upward, in anticipation of bringing forth a new batch of leaves to shade us from the coming hot summer sun; and if we listen ever so closely, we will be able to hear the hungry chirping of newly hatched birds, who have broken free of the confinement of their shells.  Spring springs forth, bursting with life, as if it were a runner in a race, not looking back, but moving towards the goal of radiant splendor. 

Spring has its agenda and so do some of us. Like nature, we come out of our winter mode, eager to experience a breaking free of the heavy coats, boots, and a myriad of other paraphernalia that protect us from the icy grip of winter. The style conscious peruse the glossy pages of leading fashion magazines to inform themselves of what’s hot and what’s not for the season. Some will begin the rewarding (or maybe not so rewarding) task of meticulously dressing their garden with all sorts of flowering plants and greenery. Then, like myself, there may be others who dread the purging and organizing of their closet, in an effort to transition its contents from the toasty attire of winter to the lightweight garments more suitable for warmer weather. Well, it has to get done, whether I like it or not. I must begin the work of folding, packing, storing, and getting rid of those items that will not be useful to me as I move forward, preparing myself for the fleeting three months of spring. 

As I anticipate the task of cleaning my closet in preparation for the spring season, I already know that there will be articles of clothing that I do not want to part with. I will hold on to them because they are staples or basics, which supplement my wardrobe, but then there are other pieces that I know that I should just let go of, but I do not, believing I should hold on to them, just in case. Who am I kidding? Those clothes usually end up in the back of the out of the way storage place, never to be seen again. All they do is take up space, creating clutter in an area that could be better utilized. Year after year, season after season these forgotten garments lay dormant, never to see the light of day, some of which, I know I will never be able to fit into again, but they still beckon to me – Maybe one day. There are some jackets, shirts, blouses, and shoes that are so out of date they may never come back in style again. So, what does all of this have to do with relationships? A lot. It has to do with not only your relationship with yourself, but also your relationship with others, and how in turn, your relationship with God is reflected in your life.  If your life were a closet, what do you need to purge in order to live it more abundantly? What have you been holding on to – just in case – that clutters your thoughts, keeping you from enjoying peace of mind? What do you need to get rid of and what do you need to keep? Take a look at my Five Spring Cleaning Points, which may be of help to you, as you purge yourself from a dormant winter season of life and move you into the newness of your own personal spring. 

1. Self-sabotage is what you do to yourself when you hold on to the negative thoughts that you believe define who you are. You may have believed the toxic labels that others have placed on you all of your life, convincing you that you will never amount to anything. Even when you feel eagerly motivated to accomplish a goal, before you know it, those thoughts begin to creep in, flooding your mind and your desire, preventing you from pressing on. You remain stuck, as life is passing you by. You have decided that it is not worth it to take the risk because your attempts will only end in failure. Standing on the sideline is safer, so you remain clothed in the outdated garment of a self-fulfilling prophecy. Purging yourself of self-sabotage comes with the realization that you need some new thoughts. The kind of thoughts that awaken you to seeing yourself as God sees you, knowing that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14) and that He created you with purpose on purpose, to glorify Him in your life with the gifts and talents that He placed in you, before you were formed in your mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5). Knowing this will allow you to move forward, being clothed in a renewed mind in order to take hold of a life that is blessed, so that you can be a blessing.
2. Player haters will have to be let go. They are the ones who put a damper on your dreams and goals. They will attempt to deliberately hold you back because they fear that you will succeed. When you are successful, they will plant doubt in your mind in order for you to give up. They will be the ones who may secretly undermine your endeavors, just to bring you to a standstill. The most valuable aspect that haters can present in your life is that you can use their overt or covert tactics as power to urge you on. The sad thing about those who attempt to hold you back is that, they themselves could be very unhappy with their own lives and as Momma said, “Misery loves company.”    As long as you know that God is on your side, He can take what they mean for evil and turn it around for your good. Cleaning the closet of your life from player haters will require that you surround yourself with people who are in your corner and who can be genuinely honest with you without the intention of bringing you down. Such people can be valuable encouragers and mentors, helping you to move forward by sharing their wisdom and expertise with you. Setting you up for failure is not their modus operandi. Their honesty, in love, will not permit them to tell you that you look good in something when you really do not. They are the people who desire to see you blossom, grow, and come into the fullness of what God has placed in you. Who do you know who believes that your gain is not their loss?
3. The staples of your life are those who have been with you through thick and through thin. Just like an article of clothing that has stood the test of time, these individuals never go out of style and you know that you can count on them to help you look good. Such people are the ones who have seen you at your worst and still love you. You can be yourself with these staple people without fearing judgment from them. They have forgiven you even when you have hurt them and may have even encouraged you to forgive yourself. These are the people you want to keep through every season of your life. 
4. Unforgiveness can be like a suit or blouse that is just too tight, but you keep wearing it anyway. No matter how confining, no matter how much you have to suck it in, you tuck it away holding on to it regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you feel. You have convinced yourself that the inconvenience of your unforgiveness is justified because of the pain someone has caused you. So, you wear it everywhere you go as it pinches, tugs, and restricts your every movement. Maybe your unforgiveness has become acceptable to you, so much so that you do not even notice it anymore, but it is there, nonetheless. Realize that unforgiveness only cuts off your circulation keeping you from fully benefiting from the peace of knowing that God has forgiven you so that, you can bask in the full Son-light of Christ. How can you enjoy what He has done for you if you cannot extend the same to another? Remember, Christ died so that you can walk in the freedom of His forgiveness, without the confinement of the sins you have committed against Him. It is time to get rid of your unforgiveness – LET IT GO.
5. Faith in God is your key to cleaning out and organizing the closet of your life. By trusting Him, you will be able to make the crucial decisions as to what to keep and what to get rid of (Proverbs 3:5,6). The word of God informs us that He is not the author of confusion (I Corinthians 14:33). Although the process of cleaning my closet for spring can be daunting, I keep my eyes on the prize – the final outcome – a fresh start. What about you, are you ready to do some spring cleaning?

Until next time,

God bless