There have been and continue to be a variety of ways to define love. Whether expressed in poems, songs or the heartfelt words of one in love, the opinions about the meaning of love can vary depending on whom you ask. For some, love may be defined in the context of a memory, evoking the emotional pain of a broken heart. Then, there may be some whose definition of love is reflected in the welcoming eyes of their beloved. This love continuum can go from one extreme to another. Yet, in biblical terms, we are given a perfect example of what to strive for and what to avoid when it comes to conveying love. In Scripture the positive expression of love is spelled out for us in I Corinthians 13 known to some as the “Love Chapter.” Here we find the perfect definition of love, which is not only patient and kind, but also bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things and that it never ends. The giving and receiving of love in these ways gives us a Godly alternative in loving one another, although the world may present other alternatives.
Society has been bombarded with distorted and uninformed representations of love depicted in music videos, films, and magazines. Even some of our homes are not safe havens for the expression of love, with many of us having experienced or witnessed inappropriate behavior unfortunately labeled as love. Given such negative examples of what love is, it is difficult for the naive to get a handle on what a healthy expression of love should be. As we strive to express the positive of what love, the following acrostic of my four negative lovestyles could help in further defining what love is not as we engage in relationship with one another.
Lazy love is passive love. It is love that is void of energy and lacks excitement. Such love does not take into consideration what the beloved desires, but rather makes assumptions as to what it believes he or she needs. Lazy love is satisfied with being set on cruise control, just coasting along in a lukewarm state. Little to no interest is given to help the relationship grow by exploring a deeper level of understanding. When this type of love is experienced, it leaves one wondering if they are truly loved. Love is an action word and requires active engagement in an emotional environment that invites reciprocity in an atmosphere of mutual anticipation and discovery.
Overbearing love recognizes the beauty and uniqueness in the recipient of its love, but seeks to capture and contain the beloved in an emotional gilded cage. Those expressing an overbearing love style exist in a bubble of fear, being constantly threatened by the prospect that their precious possession will escape or be taken away from them, in which event they will be left alone. To avoid this, an overbearing love may seek to make the other feel devalued, convincing them that no one else will want them, when in fact this may be a reflection of their own internal negative messages. Overbearing love can manifest itself either overtly or covertly to keep the other in check, creating fear and suspicion. Control is the key when it comes to overbearing love. It is not interested in creating an environment of empowerment, encouragement, or appreciation one for the other. What does transpire is a pseudo love that supports a dynamic of emotional distancing rather than bonding and being drawn closer together. This kind of love lacks the confidence or internal sense of safety to be vulnerable and transparent by letting down its guard because to do so would not be emotionally safe. Love expressed by means of control is not love, but a catalyst for the very thing it seeks to avoid – being alone.
Violent love is the close cousin of overbearing love. Violent behavior in an intimate relationship is the type of love style that violates the physical, sexual, and emotional boundaries of the one it claims to love. Intimate abuse can be exhibited in a variety of ways such as hitting, pushing, or punching; emotional degradation through verbal humiliation; and sexual abuse of any kind, the direct results of a distorted perception of what love is. This type of so-called love can easily fluctuate on an emotional pendulum, leaving the beloved in a constant state of anxiety and fear. The ability to express love non-violently towards another is not an option. The one exhibiting this kind of love can only pretend to know what love is and sometimes can appear to be quite loving and lovable. In many cases, this style of love is what was learned and or experienced possibly at an early age. The need to control, coupled with unresolved anger are two main ingredients for violent love. Attempting to love in this way could be an outward expression of how a person feels about himself or herself on the inside. If this internal place is devoid of a healthy perception of love, it becomes very difficult to express love towards another, without hurting them in the most effective way possible in order to maintain the upper hand.
Evil love is a distortion of love that is only concerned with itself. Not only is it self-centered, but it also seeks to engage the one it loves through manipulation, masquerading as love. The expression of evil love is not concerned with the wellbeing or wholeness of the other. The primary concern here is to have its own desires fulfilled regardless of what it costs the other. The ability, for example, to convince the beloved to agree to immoral behavior by abandoning their positive values in order to show how much they love them, is paramount to maintaining the powerful and destructive dynamics characterized by this love style. This type of love thrives in an atmosphere of deception and preys on the vulnerability of the one they claim to love. Truth is not a concern when it comes to evil love, since truth will expose it for what it really is – not love at all.
We are reminded in the Word of God of what love is not. I Corinthians 13:4-6 informs us that, “ …love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing…” What side of the fence are you on? Do you lean more towards the side of what love is or what love is not? We can thank God, Who is love, for not loving us in negative ways.
Wishing you a Happy Valentine’s Day as you exhibit the love of God in your relationships.
Until next time, God bless.
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